40 Years.
Is it a day to be happy or sad?
To celebrate or feel defeated?
What is wrong?
Is it because I feel I have not accomplished anything in the past 40 years of my life on earth?
But I have...
I have a husband who loves me more than himself. He will do anything to keep me happy. Tolerate my silliness, tantrums and also my senseless arguments. He is the biggest/best blessing granted by God.... even though I don't deserve him.
Then why does my heart feel so burdened and heavy...
Is it because I have not been the best mother to my children?
Why do I think I could have been better?
I have not sacrificed a lot for my children like many other mothers have. There have been times when I have been lazy to cook something special for them. I have many times given more importance to my mobile than my children. I have said many things in anger, which would hurt anyone, let alone a 12 and 7-year-old. There are hundreds of mistake from my side, which makes me wonder if I am even fit to be a mother.
But God would not have blessed me with two beautiful souls if he had the slightest doubt. I love them to the moon and back.... but forget to tell them many times. My life would have been meaningless without them. I am a MOTHER. The most respected and wanted job in the world.
But why am I still crying...
Is it because I miss mummy? When will I stop missing her? When will the ache vanish? when will I forgive her for going away without waiting for me, without giving me a chance to say goodbye? when will I stop feeling guilty for not keeping her happy, for making her cry so much... with all the mistakes I made. Knowingly and unknowingly. I miss her so much..... I wish she was here to tell me everything is going to be alright. It's just a phase, I will get over it. That, I just turned 40 and that the world is not ending to get so dramatic. I know she is watching over me...
What else is hurting me?
Is it that I am jobless, not working?
I have almost given up the mere thought that I will be a working woman at some point in my life. Wherever I have worked, I have failed. It is mostly my incompetence I believe. And now, don't have the confidence to even start looking for a job. I used to believe that I am smart and talented. I can do whatever I set my mind on. But the belief is getting faded. I feel worthless. It is as if I was unnoticed by God, while he was giving away talents and capabilities. Instead, I was stuffed with unwanted and leftover traits and qualities.
But I still hope to do something in my life which can give me the satisfaction of earning money and also given the importance of a working women.
I know in my heart and soul that God has forgiven me for the sins I did, that is why I am here. I have everything any woman ever wants in her life. So I am still hoping that God loves me and have better plans for me.
Note to myself:
Happy 40th Birthday to me.... be happy...there are little humans and big humans who love me very much :)
Is it a day to be happy or sad?
To celebrate or feel defeated?
What is wrong?
Is it because I feel I have not accomplished anything in the past 40 years of my life on earth?
But I have...
I have a husband who loves me more than himself. He will do anything to keep me happy. Tolerate my silliness, tantrums and also my senseless arguments. He is the biggest/best blessing granted by God.... even though I don't deserve him.
Then why does my heart feel so burdened and heavy...
Is it because I have not been the best mother to my children?
Why do I think I could have been better?
I have not sacrificed a lot for my children like many other mothers have. There have been times when I have been lazy to cook something special for them. I have many times given more importance to my mobile than my children. I have said many things in anger, which would hurt anyone, let alone a 12 and 7-year-old. There are hundreds of mistake from my side, which makes me wonder if I am even fit to be a mother.
But God would not have blessed me with two beautiful souls if he had the slightest doubt. I love them to the moon and back.... but forget to tell them many times. My life would have been meaningless without them. I am a MOTHER. The most respected and wanted job in the world.
But why am I still crying...
Is it because I miss mummy? When will I stop missing her? When will the ache vanish? when will I forgive her for going away without waiting for me, without giving me a chance to say goodbye? when will I stop feeling guilty for not keeping her happy, for making her cry so much... with all the mistakes I made. Knowingly and unknowingly. I miss her so much..... I wish she was here to tell me everything is going to be alright. It's just a phase, I will get over it. That, I just turned 40 and that the world is not ending to get so dramatic. I know she is watching over me...
What else is hurting me?
Is it that I am jobless, not working?
I have almost given up the mere thought that I will be a working woman at some point in my life. Wherever I have worked, I have failed. It is mostly my incompetence I believe. And now, don't have the confidence to even start looking for a job. I used to believe that I am smart and talented. I can do whatever I set my mind on. But the belief is getting faded. I feel worthless. It is as if I was unnoticed by God, while he was giving away talents and capabilities. Instead, I was stuffed with unwanted and leftover traits and qualities.
But I still hope to do something in my life which can give me the satisfaction of earning money and also given the importance of a working women.
I know in my heart and soul that God has forgiven me for the sins I did, that is why I am here. I have everything any woman ever wants in her life. So I am still hoping that God loves me and have better plans for me.
Note to myself:
Happy 40th Birthday to me.... be happy...there are little humans and big humans who love me very much :)
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